|
|
|
|
I made a new friend who is on a student exchange program. She got here after Christmas break. In the beginning we hung out a lot but lately it's like she doesn't have time for me. Like, all the sudden everyone wants to be her friend with a month left in school. When she goes out with other friends I get a little jealous because she is spending time with them. What should I do? I don't want our friendship to end like this but she's upset at me. Please help. You have raised some very important questions: How can we make and keep friends? How can we draw from other people the actions that we need and want from them while respecting their needs and wishes? Since I am a psychologist, you can guess what I believe is the key: communication. It is important to let others know what we want and how we feel. And this is difficult, because it is equally important to put ourselves in the others' shoes and understand their needs. Basic to any good relationship is finding a mutually agreeable way to resolve conflicts. It looks as if the chief conflict you are having with your friend is about how much time you spend together. How have the two of you resolved conflicts before? Sometimes when people get busy, they have to schedule their time together instead of having the comfort of knowing they can hang out anytime. Then each of them has to find ways to enjoy the time they are apart. Unfortunately, there is no special trick for getting what we want from a friend. If we're disappointed, we can let our friend know our feeling. Letting her know, too, that we can respect her choices and deal with our own disappointment if necessary goes a long way toward keeping interactions friendly. If you are hurting because of the situation you described, please feel free to come to the Counseling Center to chat with a counselor. As a student, you are also entitled to bring someone else with you and let a counselor mediate a disagreement. Thank you very much for contributing to The Doc Is In. -Jan Henley, Ph.D., Counseling Psychologist My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up a couple of months ago. I felt fine, even relieved, for the first two weeks, but now I'm not doing very well. I think I need help. It is common to feel relief after a making a big decision such as breaking up with a boyfriend of three years. After the initial relief of making such a decision, it is common for your other feelings about the break up to surface. This onslaught of other feelings is not a sign that you have a problem; rather, this emotional turmoil is a natural reaction to a loss. Allowing yourself to experience these feelings without judging yourself is key to working through all of your conflicting emotions. When dealing with a loss, many folks find it useful to talk to a counselor. The Counseling Center is a free and confidential service for any enrolled student. We would love to support you as you work through this loss. Our services can be accessed during our walk-in intake hours which are Monday thru Thursday from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. or 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. or you can call (439-4841) or come by our office (3rd floor Culp Center) to make an appointment.
Why would I suddenly panic while kissing a guy I really wanted to kiss? I just wanted it to end, which is weird because I thought I really wanted to kiss him. There could be many reasons why you suddenly panicked while kissing someone that you thought that you really wanted to kiss. Usually when a person is surprised by her/his reaction, it is because they need to explore their motivation behind the behavior. Often when we are engaging in new behaviors or old behaviors with new people, we can feel nervous or scared about the outcome. Sometimes the simple act of trusting yourself can eliminate a lot of the anxiety associated with a new endeavor. Whatever the reason for the anxiety, it is important to listen to your feelings. Your feelings may be associated with an old trauma or you may not be ready for that level of intimacy. The staff at the Counseling Center frequently works with students who are questioning and learning about themselves. Students who engage in this type of personal exploration often receive answers or guidance to their questions and frequently find new, adaptive coping mechanism in the process. Even if you provided more information, it would be impossible to give a definitive answer because the answer lies within your ability to engage in personal exploration. If you would like to do some self-exploration, the Counseling Center offers free counseling. For more information you can contact us at 439-4841. It is common for people to feel confused and scared about
having intimate relationships after being assaulted or abused. Part of the
confusion results from not taking the time to heal from the original assault or
abuse. Our culture often does not encourage people who have been assaulted or
abused to seek help. Some people think that there is something wrong with them
if they do not “get over it.” Other people blame themselves for the
assault/abuse or feel so ashamed that they are embarrassed to find help.
Common reactions to trauma, including sexual assault and abuse, are:
The above reactions are just a fraction of possible outcomes resulting from trauma. As you can see, if a person is experiencing even a few of those reactions, then it would be difficult to commit to any type of relationship, especially an intimate one. Another reason that it is easy to become confused or scared about getting involved in an intimate relationship is the mixed messages that we receive about social norms. When messages such as “men need sex to keep them interested” are delivered in tandem with “a woman needs a man to be complete,” then a very confusing paradigm is established which in part contributes to the double standards for men and women in intimate relationships. My experience has been that whenever a person feels ashamed or embarrassed about seeking help it is because her/his needs conflict with cultural norms or familial expectations. Since no one has to walk in your shoes but you, I would encourage you to seek the help that you need to feel better. My guess is that once you have begun to heal from the trauma of the assaults, then your fear of intimate relationships will decrease as will your desire to “sabotage the relationship.” There are several options available to people who want help. The Counseling Center provides free and confidential counseling to students and can serve as referral source to non-students or students who would prefer to seek help off-campus. You may access our services by calling us at 439-4841 or by visiting our office during walk-in hours which are Monday thru Thursday 10:00 – 12:00 or 2:00 – 4:00. Ok, I dated a guy for about a year and it got pretty serious, well, at least I thought. It's been about four months since our break up but why can't I get over him? I mean, he's moved on and hurt me but I just can't seem to get over him. Please help me. When you have been in a relationship with someone for a while, it is natural that it will take you some time to get over the loss of that relationship. It’s okay to be sad, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about that. There are some things, though, that you can do to help yourself get beyond the sadness. Sometimes, unfortunately, when we enter a romantic relationship, we let other areas of our lives diminish. Rekindle friendships with those you’ve lost touch with, or try pursuing some new interests or getting back into some activity that you’ve enjoyed in the past. Getting involved with an organization or cause as a volunteer is a great way to feel good about yourself and make new friends. You also might consider working out at the CPA, joining an intramural sports team, or becoming otherwise physically active. Taking care of your physical health often helps increase self-esteem. If your sadness about the breakup keeps you from enjoying other aspects of your life, you may want to consider counseling. The ETSU Counseling Center offers free, confidential counseling for students and can serve as referral source to non-students or students who would prefer to seek help off-campus. You may access our services by calling us at 439-4841 or by visiting our office during walk-in hours which are Monday thru Thursday 10:00 – 12:00 or 2:00 – 4:00. |
This web site is best viewed with Internet Explorer. Send questions or comments about this web site to: Connie Yakley at yakley@etsu.edu Last modified: September 18, 2007 11:46:50 AM, East Tennessee State UniversityBack to Student Affairs Home Page
|
