From a student's perspective
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Your student, along with two million others, is about to enter an exciting and frightening time, a period of joy, pain, and disappointment. Everyone of these students is beginning four years of a very important time in their lives. Each will leave college a very different person than when s/he began. And, like it or not, you're entering this period with your son or daughter. You'll experience the same happiness and defeats as they-second hand, but just as vividly or achingly. |
If you don't believe me, ask my mom. She watched and waited and
worried through four years of ups and downs and mediocre times.
She patiently accepted my progressions and my regressions. She
tried, and sometimes failed to understand my way of thinking
and doing and being. And, maybe because of her, maybe in spite
of her, I left college after four years a much different person
than I'd begun-a much happier person. So, my advice is to
watch, wait, worry, accept, and understand. Your child will be
happier for your efforts. So will you. Of course, no one can
insure that you'll completely survive your child's first year
at college, but there are some guidelines that might help you
make it with a minimum loss of sanity and a maximum
strengthening of your new relationship. The suggestions that
follow are:
a.) purposely subjective;
b.) written by a just-graduated student who, therefore, thinks
she knows everything about college and, therefore doesn't;
c.) based mostly on careful observations of mistakes and/or
breakthroughs made by her parents and the parents of her
friends.
At most, they'll prepare you to deal effectively with some
predictable first year conflicts. At least they'll make you
think about your reactions to them-and that can't hurt.
Rule #1: Don't Ask Them If They're Homesick
The power of association can be a dangerous thing. A friend
once told me, "The idea of being homesick didn't even occur to
me, what with all the new things that were going on, until my
mom called one of the first weekends and asked, 'Are you
homesick?' Then it hit me." The first few days and weeks of
school are activity-packed and friend-jammed and the challenge
of meeting new people and adjusting to new situations takes a
majority of a first-year student's time and concentration. So,
unless they're reminded of it (by a well-meaning parent)
they'll probably be able to escape the loneliness and
frustration of homesickness. And even if they don't tell you
during those first few weeks, they do miss you.
Rule #2: Write (Even If they Don't Write Back)
Although first-year students are typically eager to experience
all the away-from-home independence they can in those first
weeks, most are still anxious for family ties and the security
those ties bring. This surge of independence may be
misinterpreted by sensitive parents as rejection, but I'd bet
that most first year students (although 99% won't ever admit
it) would give anything for some news of home and family,
however mundane it may seem to you. There's nothing more
depressing than a week of empty mailboxes. (Warning-Don't
expect a reply to every letter you write. The you-write-one,
they-write-one sequence isn't always followed by college
students, so get set for some unanswered correspondence.)
Rule #3: Ask Questions (But Not Too Many)
College first-year students are "cool" (or so they think) and
have a tendency to resent interference with their newfound
lifestyle, but most still desire the security of knowing that
someone is still interested in them. Parental curiosity can be
obnoxious and alienating or relief-giving and supportive,
depending on the attitudes of the persons involved. "I-have-a
-right-to know" tinged questions, with ulterior motives or the
nag, should be avoided. However, honest inquiries and other
"between friends" communication and discussion will do much to
further the parent-student relationship.
Rule #4: Expect Change (But Not Too Much)
Your student will change (either drastically within the first
months, slowly over four years, or somewhere in between). It's
natural, inevitable, and it can be inspiring and beautiful.
Often, it's a pain in the neck. College and the experiences
associated with it can affect changes in social, vocational,
and personal behavior and choices. An up-to-now wall flower may
become a fraternity sweetheart, a pre-med student may discover
that biology's not her thing after all, or a high school
radical may become a college egghead. You can't stop change,
you may not ever understand it, but it is within your power
(and to you and your student's advantage) to accept it.
Remember that your student will be basically the same person
that you sent away to school, aside from some interest changes
and personality revisions. Don't expect too much too soon.
Maturation is not an instantaneous or over-night process and
you might well discover your student returning home with some
of the habits and hang-ups, however unsophisticated, that you
thought s/he had "grown out of". Be patient.
Rule #5: Don't Worry (Too Much) About Phone
Calls or Letters
Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the
college years. It's a lot of give and only a little take. Often
when troubles become too much for a first-year student to
handle (a flunked test, ended relationship, and shrunken
t-shirt all in one day) the only place to turn, write, or dial
is home. Often, unfortunately, this is the only time the urge
to communicate is felt so strongly, so you never get to hear
about the "A" paper, the new romance, or the intramural
triumph. In these "crisis" times your student can unload
trouble or tears and, after the catharsis, return to routine,
relieved and lightened, while you inherit the burden of worry.
Be patient with those nothing-is-going-right-I hate-this-place
phone calls or letters. You're providing a real service as an
advice dispenser, sympathetic ear, or punching bag. Granted,
it's a service that makes you feel lousy, but it works wonders
for a frustrated student. Like I said before, parenting can be
a thankless job.
Rule #6: Visit (But Not Too Often)
Visits by parents (especially when accompanied by shopping
sprees and/or dinners out) are another part of the first-year
events that students are reluctant to admit liking, but would
appreciate greatly. And, pretended disdain of those visits is
just another part of the first year syndrome. These visits give
the student a chance to introduce some of the important people
in both of his or her now-important worlds (home and school) to
each other. Additionally, it's a way for parents to become
familiar with and hopefully, more understanding of their
students' new activities, commitments and friends.
Spur-of-the-moment "surprises" are usually not appreciated.
(Pre-emption of a planned weekend of studying or other
activities can have disastrous results). It's usually best to
wait for a Mom or Dad's Day weekend to see your student and the
school; that way you may even get to see a clean room.
Rule #7: Do Not Tell Your Student That "These
Are the Best Years of Your Life"
Your student's first year (and the other three as well) can be
full of indecisions, insecurities, disappointments, and most of
all, mistakes. They're also full of discovery, inspiration,
good times, and people. However, except in retrospect, it's not
the good that stands out. It took a while (and the help of some
good friends) for me to realize that I was normal and that my
afternoon movie/paperback novel perceptions of what college was
all about were inaccurate. It took a while for me to accept
that being unhappy, afraid, confused, disliking people, and
making mistakes (in other words, accepting me) were all part of
the show, all part of this new reality, all part of growing up.
It took a while longer for my parents to accept it. Any parent
who believes that all college students get good grades, know
what they want to major in, have always activity-packed
weekends, thousands of close friends and lead carefree,
worry-free lives is wrong. So are the parents who think that
college-educated means mistake-proof. Parents that perpetuate
and insist upon the "best years" stereotype are working against
their child's already difficult self-development. Those who
accept and understand the highs and lows of their student's
reality are providing the support and encouragement where it's
need most.
Rule #8: Trust Your Student
Finding oneself is a difficult enough process without feeling
that the people whose opinions you respect most are
second-guessing your own second-guessing. One of the most
important things my mom ever wrote me in my four years at
college was this: "I love you and want for you all the things
that make you the happiest; and I guess you, not I, are the one
who knows best what those things are." She wrote that during my
senior year. If you're smart, you'll believe it, mean it, and
say it now.
Reprinted from the National Orientation Directors Association
Manual