A Quarterly Newsletter

Communication: The Key To Everyday Success

Most organizations agree that their success depends largely on the communication skills of all their employees. One study, for instance, asked 170 corporations about their primary reasons for rejecting job applicants. Most frequently, the companies said they didn't hire applicants because of their "inability to communicate" or because they had "poor communication skills." So it's not surprising that people who truly understand how to communicate — both in person and on paper — are the ones who get hired first and who get promoted more often. Just remember that these skills are learned, and with practice, you can improve and even perfect them.

Let's start by defining communication. Simply, it's the process of sharing your thoughts, ideas and feelings with other people in commonly understood ways, such as speaking, listening, reading, writing, facial expressions and body language.

Gender and Communication

Although females and males are born with the same capacity to communicate — from a newborn's primal cry to a baby's coo and babble — somewhere along the line society instills distinct differences between them.

When little boys act and talk tough, even swear, their behavior is tolerated and accepted as "normal." In contrast, little girls don't get the same latitude — they're expected to show more restraint when expressing themselves. As a result, boys are allowed to develop a more direct, forceful communication style, while girls use a more tentative, questioning approach. These differences carry over into adulthood.

Because women weren't taught to communicate powerfully, they often find themselves at a disadvantage in the business world. Their "underdeveloped" communication skills often create unfair perceptions of women as being uncertain, hesitant, indecisive and subservient. For example, instead of letting a strong, declarative statement stand on its own, many women finish it with a tag question. So a statement such as, "This client proposal looks ready to go," becomes "This client proposal looks ready to go, doesn't it?"

The use of rising inflection is another female speech pattern that accentuates the perception of uncertainty and a lack of self-confidence. It makes a woman's answer to a question seem more like another question.

Author Margaret Adams calls this tendency in women the "compassion trap." She believes women feel that they exist to serve others — that they must provide compassion and understanding to all people all the time. According to the "compassion trap" theory, women express themselves by first meeting the needs of others. As a result, they don't clearly communicate their honest feelings, needs and values.

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To overcome the "compassion trap," learn to use language efficiently. You can increase the power of your communication by making each word count, by making sure each one contributes to your message. This forces you to eliminate unnecessary words. Say what you mean and mean what you say. By keeping all your communications simple, direct and straightforward, you'll be more effective on the job and earn your coworkers' respect along the way.

Assertive Communication

Behavioral scientists generally agree that human communication styles fall into one of three categories: assertive, passive and aggressive. In her book The Promotable Woman, Norma Carr-Ruffino defines assertive communication as "confidently expressing what you think, feel and believe — standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others." Passive communicators, on the other hand, won't or can't confidently express themselves. In contrast, aggressive communicators express themselves in ways that openly intimidate, demean, or hurt other people.

Assertive communication usually works best because both the sender and the receiver get what they want. People tend to cooperate more when they're approached in a manner that respects the needs of everyone involved. One way to accomplish this is by using "I messages" when you talk. An "I message" expresses your feelings and experiences honestly but doesn't evaluate or judge others. To use an "I message," follow this formula:

"When you (state the person's behavior non-judgmentally), I feel (state your feelings) because (explain how it affects you). I prefer (describe what you want)."

For example, you might explain your feelings about an assistant's or worker's tardiness this way:

"When you are late for one of our appointments, I feel frustrated because it throws off my entire schedule for the rest of the day. I prefer that we reschedule our Monday meeting for 9 a.m. instead of 8 a.m. so you'll be on time."

In many situations, like this one, you want someone to change his or her behavior. Yet communicating why another person frustrates you is not always easy. You have to describe the behavior accurately, so the person understands exactly what needs to be changed. Here are a few guidelines to help you develop effective behavior-description skills.

• Describe the behavior in specific rather than general terms.
• Limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Don't make assumptions about the other person's motives, attitudes, character, etc.
• Be objective rather than judgmental.
• Keep your descriptions brief.
• Be sure to communicate the real issues.
• Be sure to communicate to the right person.

This article adapted from the Natsem.com web site.

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This free series was developed through years of research, feedback from focus group participants, and support from legal and investment professionals. Both the guidebook and seminars are designed to educate and empower women in financial planning through easy-to-understand lessons and a social environment that fosters learning. The Women and Money guidebook is also a valuable financial planning resource, stocked with a detailed glossary and references for texts, web sites, and other outside financial planning resources.

"Women and Money" will be facilitated by Ani Quinby of the Center for Community Outreach and Family Services. The 10-week series will be presented at the Women's Resource Center, Panhellenic Hall, Basement Suite 2. Commencing on Thursday, January 24, and scheduled for nine consecutive Thursdays, the series will end on March 28, and will have something for everyone. Lunch will be included, provided by SAFECO. If you are interested in starting on the road to financial fitness or want to just improve your financial stability, please reserve your space now by calling the WRC at 423-439-7847 or Ani Quinby, of the CCOFS, at 423-232-5070. See the WRC Calendar of Events for dates, times, and locations.

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