A Quarterly Newsletter

Letting Go of the Super Woman Mentality

by
Beatrice Barber
ETSU Undergraduate Student

Due to the pressures of society and their upbringing, most women feel the need to be responsible for the house, husband, children, and pets and contribute financially to the household budget. I too felt the pressure to be Super Woman. The problem that I faced was that I was not groomed to be a housewife. I was on track to be Ms. Career Lady although I have taken the scenic route. I was two months pregnant on my graduation day. The father was a senior in high school. We knew we were not ready for marriage. We agreed to make no plans for the future. I did not want to combine one mistake with another.

Initially I went to work in a factory for a few months after giving birth. During the summer shutdown, I was laid off. When the union threatened to help me get my job back, I quickly signed up for a medical assistant’s course. I was good at math and science so I figured I couldn’t go wrong with this course. Just prior to completion, I was recommended for the LPN course at the local college in South Carolina. I learned that there was a shortage of nurses in the state so I would have job security. I completed the one-year course, took the exam and passed, then obtained a good job as an LPN. I was a single mother making above minimal wages. I rented a room while going to LPN school and allowed my mother to care for my son during the week. During that time I signed up for welfare and gave the check to my mother for caring for my son. They allowed me to continue receiving the checks for six months after becoming employed full time. This allowed a smooth transition for us.

I returned home and continued to work until my son’s father completed college. He was able to get a job in Cleveland, Tenn. We got married and moved there. Without my husband’s full support, I returned to college and became an RN. This was difficult because the course load was heavy and I was trying to work full time and take care of the house and child. My husband had graduated from Clemson University so he did not think Cleveland State’s curriculum was difficult. At our pinning ceremony he realized how difficult the course was for nursing. He gained this knowledge from talking with other spouses and listening to the comments by the speakers.

Two and a half years ago I decided to return to school to obtain my bachelor’s degree. My husband wasn’t sure that this was the right time. Well I jumped right into it and it has been a roller coaster ride. I was working a demanding full-time job that was emotionally draining. The nursing courses were demanding and I had no free time for myself. I felt like I was a slave to everything and everybody but myself. I wanted to be Ms. Perfect at work, Super Mom, Mrs. Charity at Church and a Good Student. I felt like a social director; everyone in the family was branching out in new directions except for my husband. His life was going the same. I had to make the M.D. and dental appointments, provide or arrange for transportation for my youngest son. All of this was in addition to the heavy nursing classes that I decided to do without fully consulting my husband. I was feeling like I was failing miserably all the time.

I decided to de-clutter my life. I told my husband that I needed to make changes because I felt out of control of my life and needed to de-clutter it. He knew I was miserable but probably not to its extent. He told me to get rid of what was causing me the most stress. I told him that I did not want a divorce but had a better solution. He did not believe me until I told him on that occasion that he was the cause of most of my stress. There were issues in the workplace but I did not have to live with the people from the job. Home was supposed to be my safe haven but I felt that I had no quiet place. I was neglecting house chores for homework. I felt pressured when working on church projects or anything other than homework. I have always been supportive of my son’s sports activities and did not want to miss out on his senior year. So I asked my husband to trust me and not give me any grief about the decisions I was about to make.

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First of all I did not want to be obligated to a 40-hour workweek. The best way to do this would be to work PRN (as needed). This would mean giving up benefits such as sick days and accumulated vacation time. I had over 400 hours of sick time built up that I would lose when, and if, I quit my job as planned. I went ahead and had a hysterectomy for a fibroid tumor. I could have waited to see if traditional medical treatment would help, but I was “done with birthing babies” therefore why take medicine for a problem that could be cured with the removal of the offending object? I was off work for eight weeks due to minor setbacks that justified extension of my leave.

When I returned to work, I was well-received. I was tempted to stay, but knew that nothing had changed. I worked about another month or two to catch up on some of the work left undone while I was off. After that I turned in my four-week notice to end employment the Friday before Mother’s Day. I spent the holiday weekend with my mother and sister. My husband and children joined us at times. I did not seek employment until late June. When I accepted the job on a cardiac unit I told my prospective employer that I would not be available until the second week of July. I took a vacation with my sister and two close friends. No husbands or children allowed. I started a new employment the second week of July as planned.

The final step of de-clutter came in January. I took a sabbatical leave of absence from my church. In December, I spoke with my pastor and told him that I was going to take five classes during this spring semester to complete my bachelor’s degree. I informed him that I would attend church as able but I would not be participating in any of the church organizations of which I was a member. He tried to talk me out of it and appealed to my husband who backed me up as he had promised to do. As I told others what I was doing they said they had never heard of a sabbatical leave from church. I told them to just think of me being away at college taking a full load. Everyone agreed that they would not expect to see the college students at church every Sunday and understood what I am trying to do. I am less than four weeks away from my goal of completing all required courses for my degree.

I am truly happy although my schedule is hectic at times. I work twelve-hour shifts from two to four days per week. I have time off during the week for myself while everyone else is either in school or at work. It has not been an easy process but I feel I have developed as a complete person. I plan to get my house in order, return to church and continue towards a master’s degree and perhaps a doctorate. My middle son will graduate from high school in May. He has secured a full football scholarship to UT-C. He chose to stay close to home even though his older brother warned him that his parents would probably drop in to see him daily. To know that he is not anxious to get away from home makes us feel good as parents. We still have our youngest son who will be with us for the next four years. And I am looking forward to the years to come.

Ms. Barber is majoring in nursing while at ETSU.

Women and Money
Personal Finance Series

The Women and Money series is returning as part of the WRC’s Fall Program lineup for 2004. If you are one of the millions of women who use money every day, but need some assistance with wide-range planning or overall financial well-being, then this series is for you.

“Women and Money: A Guide to Financial Well-being” will be facilitated by Ani Quinby, formerly with the Eastern Eight Community Development Corporation and now a graduate student at ETSU. Beginning Thursday, October 28, and scheduled for three consecutive Thursdays, the series will end on November 18.

The four-part series is designed to help women plan for their financial health, now and in the future. Both the guidebook and seminars are designed to educate and empower women in financial planning. Stocked with a detailed glossary and references for texts, web sites, and other outside financial planning resources, the guidebook will be an invaluable financial planning tool.

Please refer to the WRC Calendar of Events for a complete list of dates for the series. All sessions will be held in the WRC, Panhellenic Hall, basement suite 2. Reserve your space by calling the WRC at 423-439-7847.

Lecture with Martin and Watson scheduled for October

Darcy Martin, M.A., academic affairs coordinator for the ETSU College of Medicine and instructor for the Women’s Studies Program, and Elwood Watson, Ph.D., associate professor of history at ETSU, will present a lecture entitled, “There She Is, Miss America.” Martin and Watson, co-authors of There She Is, Miss America: The Politics of Sex, Beauty, and Race in America’s Most Famous Pageant, will discuss key elements in their interdisciplinary anthology, the first to examine this uniquely American event. Throughout the book scholars defend, critique, and reflect on the pageant, grappling with themes like beauty, race, the body, identity, kitsch, and consumerism.

Co-sponsored by the ETSU Counseling Center and the Women’s Resource Center, this special event is scheduled for Tuesday, October 12, 2004, 7:30 p.m. Location is Dining Room 2, D.P. Culp University Center.

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