The Hole In My Life:
Soon To Be Filled
by
for Engl 3040 Literary
Nonfiction, Dec 2003
[
I don’t mind
admitting that I talk to myself or even that I answer myself. I have
conversations with myself daily because it helps me to figure things out and to
put things in perspective. There is one
conversation I have with myself that is painful and it hasn’t helped me much
either. The following conversation with myself occurs quite frequently:
“Will
Jennifer ever forgive me and love me again?”
“Yes, I
think so, but you have to give her time.”
“It has
been more than five years now.”
“I know
Lisa, but forgiveness isn’t determined by time alone.”
“I
understand that but what about my actions and accomplishments during that five years; I deserve something for that right?”
“Yes,
Lisa, you have turned failure into success and will receive the deserved
rewards.”
“But never my sister’s forgiveness! No matter what I do, what I achieve it will never be enough.”
Not a
week passes that I don’t spend precious time and thought about my poor sister’s
heart. I say “my poor sister’s heart”
with two meanings: one, the heart I hurt and two, the hard cold heart that
can’t forgive. I hurt my older sister,
Jennifer, deeply; not in just one act, but several. My immature and irresponsible actions are
not deserving of explanation and I do not want to readmit or relive the past;
thus I will omit the specifics. I also
hurt other very important people to me including: my younger sister, Katie, my
mother and father, and my grandparents.
To all mentioned, I have admitted my faults, shown remorse and success,
and have received forgiveness from all but my older, wiser, and better sister,
Jennifer.
I
silently accept all the atmospheres I am engulfed in while present with
Jennifer. At the conclusion of my wrong
acts and punishments, Fall of 1998, I was barely nineteen years old. I received the feelings of total
repugnance from Jennifer. As I walk
through the door of my parent’s home, a place where my sisters and I grew-up
together, Jennifer’s body and facial expression said to me “why are you here?”. She silently
sighed, dropped her posture, rolled her eyes, and left the room. Although it hurt, I accepted it. I understood it. I deserved it.
I thought
that with time Jennifer would progress in her healing process, thus I have
tried talking with her. I have failed. Jennifer’s attitude, instead of acknowledging even with disgust
that I walked through the door, adjusted into the silent treatment. This made for an uncomfortable atmosphere
full of tension for everyone. Christmas
dinner of 1999 is not one of my happiest memories instead,
I hold a memory of the feeling that in Jennifer’s eyes I was just another
inanimate figurine on my mother’s table.
She ignored my existence completely.
With dinner
almost ready, my mother leaves the kitchen to shower and get dressed. My father, my sisters, and myself
are to tend to the last minute preparations.
I remember Jennifer becoming director.
As soon as our mother was downstairs, Jennifer said, “Katie, will you season the potatoes
again and Daddy, make your tea.”
“What can I do, are the vegetables done?” I asked.
“O,
Terry, honey, will you take the bread out of the oven?” Jennifer said to her
husband, clearly ignoring my capabilities to take bread out of an oven and my
request to help. I also remember
everyone sitting around the large, oval, oak table we have all sat around
together thousands of times, and upon it was a delectable and cautiously
prepared feast that represents to me yet another barrier between my sister and
myself. Everyone was hungry and eager to
finish dinner so we can exchange gifts.
Bowls of food were passed as plates were served and “mmm, that’s
delicious” could already be heard; consequently, I forgot for a split second
Jennifer, who had easiest access to the potatoes, didn’t acknowledge or speak
to me as I said, directed toward her, “Pass me the potatoes, please.” Everyone noticed my mother reaching over the
bread, the meat gravy, and the asparagus to pick up the dish of potatoes that
sat touching Jennifer’s dinner plate.
On
What
hurts my heart the most is the draining emotions placed on my mother. She lives her whole life for her children;
she has sacrifice over and over again for her daughters. The effort my mother put forth in trying to
help her daughter’s relationship was great and seen by all. My mother would ask the same question to
Jennifer and I both, at the same time, hoping for open conversation. I have learned of the major events in my
sister’s life from my mother as I am sure my sister learned of mine from the
same source. My mother completed her own
healing process as I strived for nothing more than her happiness and proudness
of me. At one time, I talked to my
mother about my sister; however not one conversation occurred without tears. When the thought crossed my mind that my
mother possibly goes through these conversations and tears twice, once with me
and again with Jennifer, I decided that I wouldn’t talk to her about the
situation or my feeling for Jennifer; I
had caused her enough pain and tears. I
decided to take her advice. Fall of
2001, the last time I talked to my mother about my feelings for Jennifer, I
will never forget what she said while crying, “Lisa, you can’t do any more that
what you have! Jennifer must search and
seek inside herself for the real root of the problem.” My mother gasped for air
as it seemed twenty tears streamed from each eye and continued, “I feel so
sorry for her and you, missing out on each other’s lives. This is not the relationship I envisioned for
my daughters that once were so close. All
I can tell you Lisa, is to live your life for you, not
for me and definitely not for Jennifer.
Just strive for success, work hard, stay determined and I will always,
always love you, no matter what.”
Already crying, I grabbed my mother, held her tight and said “I will
Mommy, I promise.”
Only from
gaining the forgiveness I have from my God, myself, and almost all of my family
members, I know that it is possible to be granted forgiveness. I also know that it takes hard work,
commitment, and time. These, I feel, I have amply
given. The most important forgiveness to
receive is that of yourself, especially to go forth with your own life. During and after that final conversation with
my mother, did I finally forgive myself. I have done as promised to my mother and in
doing so my sister’s actions toward me have changed. I wouldn’t call it respect, and maybe I don’t
deserve respect yet; although, I have shown Jennifer that I turned a bad
situation into good and that I have worked very hard to get where I am from
where I came from.
This has
been my relationship with my sister for the last five years. Her life has continued as well has mine. During the summer of 2003, my sister, her
husband, and their two children lived with my mother and father while selling
and buying a house. Every time I visited
my parents Jennifer
was present. I spend a lot
of time with my mom during the summers because I am so busy during the school
year; thus, I was there a lot even spending the night many times. On several occasions, I was allowed to take Jennifer’s children
to the playground or swimming. I
remember the first full conversation Jennifer and I had in more than five
years.
“Lisa,
come here!” Jennifer yelled from upstairs at my parent’s house.
“Yes!” I
replied running up the stairs.
“Katlynn
said she is going swimming with you?”
“If that is okay with you.” I replied confidently.
“Yes, but they have to each lunch first, and they get a
snack at
“Okay, I can
do that.”
“Well, I
will get them ready.” She said as she turned and walked back into Katlynn’s
room.
I remember driving back to my apartment that
night with a smile on my face and a feeling in my heart that I couldn’t
explain. I also remember talking to my
self again.
“Jennifer
spoke to you Lisa”
“Yes, but
it was very vague and probably only occurred out of necessity due to her
children’s involvement.”
“So your complaining?”
“No! I have wanted nothing more for years now.”
“So what
is the problem?”
“I want
more. I want love. I want a relationship, a bond like once
existed. I want to share my life with my
sister and for her to want to share her life with me.”
“Lisa, Jennifer has taken
a big step and you need to give her credit for that. You also need to realize that this is just
the first step in her healing process.
You and Jennifer will be close again.
“Okay, I
will believe you, especially considering today’s events. I feel a little less pain in my heart; it has
been replaced with hope.”