Words Matter! By Dr. Joe Bidwell, Professor and Interim Dean, College of Arts and
Sciences
Words Matter!
Electronic communication such as e-mail and texts are part of everyday life - even
more so now in the midst of a pandemic. While these ways of communicating can be efficient
and rapid, they fail to relay many of the social cues that are integral to the effectiveness
of face-to-face interactions. For example, comments that are meant to be humorous
often depend on the facial expression and tone of voice of the one delivering them.
Without these accompanying human elements, electronic communications may seem abrupt
or rude. Similarly, the lack of physical presence can make it difficult to convey
warmth or friendliness in an e-mail even if it is written with an entirely friendly
intent. Finally, we are all feeling the stress of the on-going pandemic and the lack
of social contact that comes with it. Our nerves are frayed and everyone, regardless
of who they are, can use a little “nice” right now. Just a few additional words added
to that e-mail or text can help make that happen!
Considerations for trauma-informed electronic communication - aka what to think about
before you hit SEND
1) Consider the topic - In some cases (e.g., delivering potentially stressful news, conveying a significant
amount of information) an old-fashioned phone call or brief Zoom meeting is a better
way to go than an e-mail. Research also suggests that more e-mails beget more e-mails.
Sometimes a simple phone call can resolve the situation far more quickly than a back-and-forth
exchange over e-mail, saving everyone time and precious mental energy.
2) It’s OK to be slow and deliberate in your reply - Consider your mindset. Hitting that SEND button in the midst of an emotionally
charged exchange can seriously damage a relationship. Let your emotionally charged
response sit in your Drafts folder for a few hours or overnight, and then reread it.
It may look completely different in the light of a new day and a calmer mind.
·
Pause and ask, am I responding reactively (in the heat of the moment/emotion) or am
I responding reflectively (from a calm and regulated place)
· When you receive an e-mail that may take some time to respond to, consider replying
to the sender to let them know you received it and that you will get back to them.
This is much better than the “dead air” of no response and the sender is left wondering
whether the message was received or whether they’re not important enough to be responded
to. Also, if you know your reply may take some time, invite the sender to “ping” you
again so that their request makes its way back to the top of your inbox. Make explicit
to the sender that they have your permission to make contact with you again if they
don’t hear back from you.
· Whether communicating with students, co-workers, supervisors, or direct reports,
including a basic salutation (e.g., Dear …., Hello …, Good Morning …) can mean the
difference between a communication that conveys a friendly, respectful attitude versus
one that is abrupt and imposing. Specifying the name of the recipient can also reduce
unnecessary confusion and thinking time as to who is expected to respond when there
are multiple e-mail recipients.
3) Know your recipient - Be sure the tone of your communication is appropriate with regard to the rapport
you share with an individual or group. If you have a very good rapport with the individual,
short and informal messaging is likely fine. If you are communicating with the individual
for the first time, then assume formality. When in doubt – always opt for being more
formal. Emails that start with “Hey,” can be especially annoying.
· Recognize any power differentials that may exist. When communicating with a supervisor,
are you using a tone that may come across as disrespectful? When communicating with
a supervisee, are you sure your email won’t be intimidating? Basic context can also
help your reader. For example, when requesting a meeting with a supervisee, make sure
you explain why. Don’t leave people hanging to allow their imagination to run wild
about why you wish to speak with them. It can feel like being “called into the principal’s
office.”
· If you are unsure of someone’s title or preferred pronoun, consider using inclusive
language (Dear Colleague, Dear Professor, or just Hello)
· Take time to make sure you spell the person’s name correctly. This may seem obvious,
but it can feel hurtful when someone doesn’t spell your name correctly and individuals
from marginalized groups may have names that are more likely to be misspelled.
4) Frame your message so that it comes across as deliberate and intentional - It is too easy to misread between the lines or make unwarranted assumptions in an
electronic form. In this regard, be careful of attempts at humor.
· If you’re uncertain, simply omit the play on words or the funny (to you) comment.
On the recipient side, try to give the sender the benefit of the doubt that something
wasn’t meant as derogatory or confronting (see “it’s OK to be slow and deliberate
in your reply” above). Rather than read more into the words than is there, ask the
sender if they have time to clarify over a quick phone call or a Zoom meeting.
5) Here are some guiding principles to consider when communicating electronically (or even verbally for that matter):
· Always strive to be authentic, transparent, and honest.
· Base comments and questions on real evidence, not supposition. Don’t go beyond the
data. If you think someone is implying something, just ask them.
· It’s ok to not know and to admit that you don’t.
· Understand how to create a “psychologically safe” environment and convey that sense
of safety in the way you communicate, even when delivering bad news.
· Keep in mind that it’s normal for people to occasionally misread each other’s intents
in electronic communication. If someone misreads your intent, give them some grace,
perhaps an apology, and give it another shot. If you misread someone else’s intent,
give them some grace, perhaps an apology, and let them try again.